9.10.2003

Tonight at TAML, in my continuing series of made-up interviews, I am pleased to welcome the City of Toronto to the blog.

Toronto: How’s it going eh?

DH: Just fine Toronto. Thanks for being here.

Toronto: My pleasure. Since you’re new to me I’m sure you have a lot of questions.

DH: Yeah, I think things will go a lot better if we get to know each other a little better.

Toronto: OK, you’re from where again?

DH: Vancouver. You know Vancouver right?

Toronto: Sure, I love Vancouver – what a beautiful place. I love people from Vancouver.

DH: Well they sure don’t like you.

Toronto: I know. What’s up with that? What did I ever do to Vancouver?

DH: Vancouver thinks you ignore her. She thinks you act like the centre of the Universe. She talks a lot about how much prettier she is than you. How you’re too cold and too humid and too stinky and too crowded and that the Leafs are just a bunch of goons.

Toronto: Sounds like she’s a little insecure to me. What does she care how I act or what I think? Look Don, I know she’s better looking than I am, but to be blunt, I am where the money is. If looks were everything, you wouldn’t have dumped her to come be with me. There has to be some reason 5 million people live here.

DH: That is blunt. Let’s change the subject. I don’t want to make this any more confrontational, but why is it there aren’t any parks in the UofT area?

Toronto: What are you talking aboot? There’s lots of parks.

DH: One square squirrel-riddled block of grass and trees with bums sleeping on all the benches is not a park. You got no parks, you got no mountains, the lake is not even fit to swim in.

Toronto: That’s it. I’m outta here. This interview is over. I’ve been through SARS, West Nile Virus, and the Blackout. I don’t have to sit here and listen to this.

DH: Damn, I got to take it easier on Toronto. Shouldn’t have gone on a rant like that, but I didn’t like her talking smack about Vanco. Somehow, we’ve got to learn to get along better. I’ve got to make this relationship work.

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